Sunday, September 28, 2008

You Know You're a Piercer if...................

- Every item of clothing you own is covered in Gentian Violet.

- There could be a gorgeous naked man/woman standing in front of you and all you can focus on is the crooked nipple ring.

- If you had a nickle for every time you heard "Did that hurt?" you could pay for the trip to APP.

- You look at every person you meet as a new pin cushion.

- When someone tells you they pierced such and such themselves, it makes you as angry as monkeys make Seth.

- You couldn't care less about people like Brad Pitt or Lindsay Lohan, but become instantly excited at any mention of Fakir Musafar, Brian Decker, or Jim Ward.

- People who you don't know show up where you live/call your house/send messages to your private e-mail account asking you why their nostril piercing is infected.

- You can't pay a visit to the doctor's office without stealing anything and everything in sight.

- You know that behind every conservative woman in a full length flowerprint skirt is a whole bunch of genital piercings.

- You've seen more breasts than your horny teenage brother.

- You've developed unquestionable skill in the art of pretending to listen to people you don't like talk for too long about things you don't care about at all.

- You've spent considerable amounts of money on aviator sunglasses, Ed Hardy t-shirts, or gold plated piercing tools because if people are going to think you live like a rock star, you might as well indulge.

- Hours of your life have been wasted explaining to fourteen year old mall goths that you can't learn to pierce from an online class, an Ebay kit, or beauty school, and that you don't want them as your apprentice.

- There are holes in the plotline of any DVD or VHS you've seen in the past few years because of incoming customers.

- Any night out on the town or special moment in public is interrupted by someone who you apparently pierced at some point during your career. What, you don't remember Mrs. Johnson's underage lover's sister's cousin's prince albert piercing?

- You can accurately gauge how close you are with each of your friends by how many times they've let you try some experimental procedure on them.

- Your high school and college notebooks consist mostly of doodles of captive bead rings and pierced body parts.

- You're saving your pennies for a foot pedal-operated sink.

- People automatically assume you know their mother's cousin's best friend, who also has an industrial piercing.

- You're familiar with the terms "Squeezy nasal saline," "drooly paper towel," and "feeling wonky."

- You can spot a fainter a mile away.

- You can accurately gauge a client's eating and drinking habits by the color and consistency of their blood.


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